1. I cook minute rice to al dente perfection in 56 seconds.
2. I have been trained in the ancient art of full-contact bonsai.
3. Sometimes, after the kids are in bed, I secretly replace their completed homework assignments with subversive beat poetry.
4. I breed genetically enhanced M&M candies for fun and profit.
5. Small animals appreciate the subtleties of my sarcastic wit.
6. When I am bored, I translate mime into braille for the colour-blind.
7. I once single-handedly defended the honour of a Moroccan midget using only a spork, two dixie cups, and a ferret.
8. My operetta for corduroy slacks has been performed on five continents.
9. I retroactively coined the phrase ahead of his time.
10. I am a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, served inside an enigma, smothered in cheesy goodness.

With nods to Hugh Gallagher, Winston Churchill, and M&M geneticists everywhere.